Thursday 28 July 2016

Why I love the French bise

To faire la bise; it’s as French as the Eiffel Tower, Bridget Bardott, and picking up some croissants from your local bakery on a Sunday morning. With not one ounce of my anglo-sexton shame, I can solemnly declare that I love it. Air kissing people twice, 3 times, or even 4 times, depending on the French region i’m in, always feels so satisfying to me. It has nothing to do with sexual satisfaction; but rather a human to human, we have both said hello simply, and sweetly, satisfaction. It feels very civilised to be part of a society where certain social etiquette conventions are so practised and accepted. This is coming from growing up in Australia; where when meeting or when being introduced to someone, you are often left standing there with no idea what to do with your hands. For informal situations in Australia at my age (20), i see it being more or less an exchange of a handshake between men, and a hug between women. I like a good hug, but a potentially great hug can quickly turn awkward if someone’s technique is off. Hugs also a provoke many internal questions like: “am i the neck-hugger, and you’re the waist-hugger? Or the other way around? Or we hugging on an angle here? And how long are we doing this for?”
Staying with my french friends in France at the moment, I feel very lucky to experience this country in such an authentic light. Often being the only non-french person at events people forget that i’m Australian, and with that small detail, that i’m not used to how everything operates. One night in the taxi home, my friend Marion asked me if i didn’t like one of her specific friends that was at the party we were preciously at. I was shocked, and I replied, “Of course I like him, why wouldn’t i?” And she said, “well he just texted me, and he said you didn’t give him a bise before you left- he was wondering if he had said something to upset you?”




With my family, and especially with my Turkish-side, we are always hugging, kissing, squeezing each other. As I got older I learnt to yield back on my inherently touchy mannerism, because unfortunately even a single accidental touch between the sexes in Australia can be interpreted as a promiscuous act. If you’re a girl being introduced to someone by a friend in Australia, it’s often that you just stand there, say “hey”, chuck in a friendly smile, and that seems to suffice. When you walk into a room full of people at a party in Australia, it’s very rare that you would go around and acknowledge each person. If I was to go around giving a faire la bise at a party in Australia, the response would probably say something like, “who does this bitch think she is?”.

A couple of weeks ago, a french friend that I was staying with took me to her friends apartment-warming celebration. We were running about 45 minutes late. Let me tell you, arriving to occasions late is not a good idea. When we arrived there was about 15 people sitting in the lounge room, they collectively saw us walk in, smiled, and said “Salut (hey)” at the same time. The same thing would happen in Australia, but the different is, is that all of these Frenchies were all still eagerly awaiting their own personal hello and kisses. This lounge room was not big, and there was not much room to move around at all. I spoke to a couple people and gave them each a bise but then stopped. With too many limbs being crossed and elongated, and after painfully getting my hair caught in a girls jacket button, it was all getting a bit much. My french friend instantly turned around to me with piercing eyes that said, "what are you doing? You must say hi to everyone; you know how this works Taylor".

I took a couple deep breaths, tied my hair up, wished my immune system good luck, and then continued on to the remaining un-kissed cheeks. But it’s not finished there, during/after a faire la bise with someone comes an obligatory, “Salut, ça va?” Ça va is a question of how you are, and also a positive reaffirmation that you’re doing well. The expected small talk usually goes something like: “Salut! ça va? (Hey, how are you), and they reply with a “Ça va, ça va? (I’m good, how are you?”), and then you reply with one more, “ça va (I’m good)”.
There is definitely an art to how the French do it, because most people exchange their 500 “ça va’s” while consecutively taking part in a faire la bise. I need to work on my air way controls because I am yet to master making the air kissing noises while asking how someone how they are at the same time. I also think I need to look less turtle and more Grace Kelly. Having pointless small talk at parties is an international way of saying “hello”; but in french the lack of sincerity becomes extremely apparent when you ask someone how they are and they reply with exactly what you’ve just said. It’s the same in english, it’s the situation when you’re not really ready to hear anything less than that someone is doing: “good, thank you”. So it’s for this reason that you don’t arrive late to parties in France. This is why you arrive on time or even early, and let everyone who arrives later lean over 2 people to greet you hello intend. This is also why you don’t leave earlier than in an hour, because you have to kiss and say goodbye to everyone individually, all. Over. Again.

In the car ride home I asked my friend if that was what her look at me meant at the party when I stopped saying hello to everyone, and she said that is exactly what it meant. I tried to ask her rules about faire la bise, but all I got was a drunken murmer and that she would tell me tomorrow. Since i’ve been in France I’ve tried to ask each of my frenchie friends about faire la bise, and each time they always look as clueless as the last one. When you’ve grown up with something that is so accepted it’s often hard to explain ‘why’; it’s like vegemite for Australians (#teamvegemite). With children younger then 12 in France you are expected to reach down and give them a single cheek kiss; but at any age older, a proper faire la bise is expected. It’s practised in pretty much every informal setting between men and women, but if either party for some reason feels uncomfortable, they will extend their hand for a handshake. An informal setting also expands to virtual communication where kissing still very much has it’s place. In France it’s very common to end a text with ‘bisous’, or ‘je t’embrasse’, literally meaning, ‘i kiss you’. I’ve also learnt that if you want to scare a French person, you hug them. The French don’t hug. If you hug a Frenchie they will either i) stare at you blankly, ii) ask you what you’re doing, iii) play dead standing there waiting till it’s over; or all of the above. There isn’t even a word for it, and the closest is probably ‘un calin’, which has a heavy sexual connotation. To hug someone is seen as far more sexual then a couple of air kisses, because its seen as a complete body-to-body contact.

In Australia it’s normal to stroll in and out of a shop without any exchange of a greeting between the shop keeper and the customer. In France, shopkeepers see it as you’re walking into their home when you enter their shop, so a “Bonjour (hello)” and an “Au revoir (goodbye) is paramount. If you were to address someone who was older than you in the street in Australia as “Sir”, or “Ma’ame”, you would be second looked at in shock (and probably asked how your holiday is going in Australia). If you were to address anyone older then you in the street in France with anything less than a “Monsieur” or “Madame”, you would be looked down up. 

Social etiquette rules in France are vast and plenty, but for the French it is not a chore, it’s the norm. Australia is also a very multicultural place, making it difficult to establish our social customs as a country. The laid-back relaxed lifestyle of Australia and the dislike to anything remotely ‘pretentious’, is also another reason that I think etiquette is not a priority. I don’t enjoy a faire la bise because it makes me feel a oh-look-at-me-i’m-so- easy-breezy-chic-with-my-french-baguette-i'm-so-cultured, I enjoy it because it feels warmer and friendlier. I also enjoy a faire la bise over a hug because i know exactly where i’m supposed to put my hands. 

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